I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize