You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
