wakey wakey hands off snakey
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Found the puke drawer
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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