Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
