I am midnight drunk by noon
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
