Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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