Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
