What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize