FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
