I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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