final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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