a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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