Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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