I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
