Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
me + whiskey = a bad person
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