I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
