Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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