my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize