Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
