problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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