Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
my liver is dry heaving
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
