Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
