i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
