my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
This toilet bowl is my home.
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