I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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