Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
