the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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