you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
