Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
