He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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