so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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