i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
