Pregnant stripper...not hot.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
