Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
