Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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