I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
soo... how was my night?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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