Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
