I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
