I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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