sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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