I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
