I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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