Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
