Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
