Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
It's official drugs can't kill me
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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