I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
