hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
