Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
