Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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