Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
