So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
