I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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