My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
