Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
