i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize