Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
