Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
