I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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