Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
